Z

I hate myself for bwing clingy

I hate myself for being too vulnerable

I hate myself looking for you when i have problems

I hate myself for being overwhelmed by your attention

I hate myself for being all giddy in your prescence

I hate myself for opening up to you

I hate myself for putting me in a state so low

Jijik

No wonder you dont feel the same way i do

clingy

I can just feel you rejecting my clinginess and abhorring me. I blame myself for constantly waiting for your response. and to just hope. I can see how you had no effort to make time for me in the midst of adapting in your new life. Is that part of how you adapt, leaving your old memories behind?

Manja

She called Poksue Minn to check on her because she felt a slight pain in her mouth, and she had a fever. Poksue said it was a mild infection so he prescribed her some meds. The next day Manja went to work as usual, but she was literally fatigued so she sat the whole day. That night, she felt this uneasing pain and somehow wanted to pass out. So she was admitted to the hospital that night. Little did she know, when she was diagnosed, it was Leukemia. Allahu. her red blood count to white blood count ratio was 5;300. But she could still talk, and she was transferred to Melaka but she eventually got worse. She was emotionally disturbed despite her physical state, she was already contemplating how would she pay the hospital bills.
"Manja, manja jangan fikir apa apa dah. Mak Rai ada duit, Manja lawan je penyakit ni". Allahu.
So they prescribed her with this med where it lowered her white blood count to 5, surprisingly alhamdulillah. so she was transferred to a normal ward. She had to perform chemotherapy but then.. another thing came, Ya Allah beratnya ujianMu. Manja punya paru paru berair, takleh nak buat chemo. and tthen her white blood count increase and everything was failing the cancer cells were spreading very fast and at that point, she knew. Her demise was near. Mata Manja bengkak, tangngan bengkak, there were blood everywhere.
"Kerasnya nasi ni Moksue, Manja takleh makan, mulut manja sakit. Moksue, bestnya kalau dapat mandi ni.. serabut sangat kepala. Manja taktahu nak cakap macamana sakit dia, tapi sakiit"
Her body was rejecting the therapies and there wasn't any other solution. She was on the ventilator and if it would be turned off, medically that would be the end. Memang, ajal di tangan Tuhan. But that seemed the most possible outcome. So families had gatherings, and Manja was unconscious. Mak Rai and Mak Dah suggested to bring her back home, and so they did. Just as they settled in back in her house, allahu. Innalillahi wainnailaihi rajiun.

Manja is mama's cousin. She lives across atok tap's house and she makes ketupat for us on raya. She has 4 kids. Alfatihah.

Inferior

It's intriguing how I can be all giddy and fluent and oh how it felt good talking to them and I wont stutter to some people, and when it comes to another, I'm like abruptly taken aback and timid.

I mean how is it even possible? It's as if I acquire the same skill but can only use it with certain people. Like my brain functions where it is accustomed to. SEE?! WHERE DID THE WORD ACCUSTOMED COME FROM. One minute im using the words in the standard 5 english textbook, the next minute I just plucked a sentence from a university level thesis statement.

How do I sound fluent like the people hereeeee somebody helppppp

Overboard

It's funny how

U seem so special to me

Yet i'm just a place for you to say hi

I share everything with you

Yet you only take with nothing to give

When i see something intriguing in a way that is bad,

You laughed and thought it was funny

Was that because you didn't feel how i felt or you just wanted to cover something up?

I doubt we have the same thoughts, most of the time. Because i've hinted you throughout all these years and you still don't get it.

Or im assuming you pretended not to get it just because.

As much as i feel stupid for being too naive, i feel worse of the fact that i have put myself in a state that is so low, that everyone can just step over and look away- some might say sorry-but they would eventually look away.

There has always been a line between desperation and determination, but maybe naivety made me blind

Missing

I missed how you would just listen to my thoughts, bear with me spitting out everything. You tend to help people around you get up. Your positivity amazes me in a way I literally gape in awe. It's scary how strong I feel towards you. I trembled when you played the guitar and in whatever rage I was in, I could just burst out laughing hearing your voice. This is so cheeky and I cant find a better way to say it.

But maybe, just maybe. Things wont be the same and I.. just hope that doesn't happen. But surely if you don't feel the same thing I'm okay. sebab iman ni lembik sangat, hati ni lemah. And I totally blame myself for being like this, I mean you can't control everything, can you?

Take care of yourself in the UK